The content of this blog is not the figment of imagination but the recollection in word or prose of events as they occur to three powerful minds.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent and spare the guilty of vilification.


El contenido de este blog no es el producto de la imaginacion, pero el recuerdo de palabra o de la prosa de los acontecimientos a medida que se producen a tres mentes poderosas.

Nombres han sido cambiados para proteger a los inocentes y los culpables de repuesto en caso de difamacion.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

MY On: Rules of Driving in Lagos 101

 SO Baroque did a post on road rage. a friend sent me the rules of engagement when it comes to driving in Lagos. And Maldita Sea do they apply.

1. When in doubt, accelerate!

2. Be prepared to ram anything stoping you wearing uniform in Lagos (police, traffic warden,FRSC, Kai brigade, fire brigade, VIO, lastma, lamata, laswa, even lawma sef)

3. If you get caught by any chance, DO NOT allow them to enter your car, if they happen to get in DO NOT drive from that spot (vere off traffic & settle 5hun), and if they don’t agree, form calling your uncle who is in the army (believe me it always works), never follow them to ANY sort of office except you wanna pay X10

4. Never give police or VIO your original particulars (whether expired or up to date)

5. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. NEVER yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise.

6. Okada riders have a pact with suicide, avoid them like a plaque

7. Avoid BRT buses in all ramifications, they have NO brakes

8. Taxi cabs (oko asewo) should always have the right of way, all of them have been driving in Lagos for 25yrs.

9. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

10. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest you may say!

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and shock absorbers,( I saw one man fishing in one of the potholes last week).

12. There is no such thing as “one-way”in Lagos. Expect traffic from any direction at all times. The okada riders are the experts in this area.

13. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork, except you want to spend ur whole saturday @ the panel beater’s place.

14. Morning rush-hours are equivalent to Lagos grand prix (who gets to the junction first)

15. There is no such thing as a short-cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that ’short-cut’.

16. When asking for directions, always ask at least 3 people. Lagosians ALWAYS claim to know every inch of the city – even areas they’ve never been to.

17. Use extreme caution when pulling into service lanes. Service lanes are not for breaking down the traffic, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.

18. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.

19. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.

20. Hazard lights (popularly called “double pointer”) is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bona fide Lagos driver, he’s headed ’straight’ and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his “horn”.

21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic whether you look like a zebra.

22. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.

23. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

24. In Las Gidi every spot is a potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA know that too. It is in their constitution.

25. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tire!!!

- ‘Horn’ when someone executes a dangerous manoeuvre.
- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to move off.
- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to overtake.
- ‘Horn’ when someone is about to overtake you.
- ‘Horn’ when turning into a road.
- ‘Horn’ when emerging from a road.
- ‘Horn’ back when someone horns at you. It’s considered good etiquette.
- ‘Horn’ when you hear a chorus of horns. Don’t worry if you don’t know what all the ‘horning’ is about.
- ‘Horn’ when you’re happy.
- ‘Horn’ to the beat when you’re playing music in your car.

Good luck, as you expeditiously navigate through Lagos and hustle and bustle!


  1. I've seen this list before and it always gets me cracking.

  2. This list never fails to crack me up each time i see it.

  3. this is funny lol. i can relate to a lot of them though I dont know how to drive. going send this around lol

  4. @ Myne whitman, Chayoma, Miss Natural, Neefemi, Blogoratti: Baroque's road rage had me in stitches then i remembered this.

  5. @ Chayoma: Invite me to naija's finest mail2cerberus@gmail.com

  6. Why did I read this at work. I am still LOLing!

  7. ROTFLMAO!!!

    Oh my goodness!!! I laffed till tears came into my eyes and I nearly farted.

    where u see dis kain yeye rules??

    This made my day sha!

  8. LOL
    No.2....when ramming into these uniformed men, better have the autobahn ahead of you, my hand no dey

    No.3...on no account should you allw them into your car

    No.16...Very Important, (even if the last person you asked is within earshot)

    No.20...Hazard to indicate 'straight ahead' is the bushest thing ever

    No.21...abeg, wetin be ZEBRA for your language?

    LMFAO @ No. 26

  9. Traffic lights are just another form of Fashola's over-sabi in Lagos. The man too do sef.

    Just make sure you don't stop when the light turns red. No matter how many uniformed bodies emerge in front of you.

  10. Lmao @ 21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic whether you look like a zebra.
    I learnt that the hard way at Alausa!!

    Lami…that's true haven't seen her on fb for a while now…Hope she's fine…

  11. Lol this is teh first time am seein this and it had me crackin up..


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