MY On: Rules of Driving in Lagos 101

 SO Baroque did a post on road rage. a friend sent me the rules of engagement when it comes to driving in Lagos. And Maldita Sea do they apply.

1. When in doubt, accelerate!

2. Be prepared to ram anything stoping you wearing uniform in Lagos (police, traffic warden,FRSC, Kai brigade, fire brigade, VIO, lastma, lamata, laswa, even lawma sef)

3. If you get caught by any chance, DO NOT allow them to enter your car, if they happen to get in DO NOT drive from that spot (vere off traffic & settle 5hun), and if they don’t agree, form calling your uncle who is in the army (believe me it always works), never follow them to ANY sort of office except you wanna pay X10

4. Never give police or VIO your original particulars (whether expired or up to date)

5. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. NEVER yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise.

6. Okada riders have a pact with suicide, avoid them like a plaque

7. Avoid BRT buses in all ramifications, they have NO brakes

8. Taxi cabs (oko asewo) should always have the right of way, all of them have been driving in Lagos for 25yrs.

9. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

10. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest you may say!

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and shock absorbers,( I saw one man fishing in one of the potholes last week).

12. There is no such thing as “one-way”in Lagos. Expect traffic from any direction at all times. The okada riders are the experts in this area.

13. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork, except you want to spend ur whole saturday @ the panel beater’s place.

14. Morning rush-hours are equivalent to Lagos grand prix (who gets to the junction first)

15. There is no such thing as a short-cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that ’short-cut’.

16. When asking for directions, always ask at least 3 people. Lagosians ALWAYS claim to know every inch of the city – even areas they’ve never been to.

17. Use extreme caution when pulling into service lanes. Service lanes are not for breaking down the traffic, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.

18. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.

19. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.

20. Hazard lights (popularly called “double pointer”) is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bona fide Lagos driver, he’s headed ’straight’ and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his “horn”.

21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic whether you look like a zebra.

22. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.

23. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

24. In Las Gidi every spot is a potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA know that too. It is in their constitution.

25. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tire!!!

26. HORNING IN LAGOS
- ‘Horn’ when someone executes a dangerous manoeuvre.
- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to move off.
- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to overtake.
- ‘Horn’ when someone is about to overtake you.
- ‘Horn’ when turning into a road.
- ‘Horn’ when emerging from a road.
- ‘Horn’ back when someone horns at you. It’s considered good etiquette.
- ‘Horn’ when you hear a chorus of horns. Don’t worry if you don’t know what all the ‘horning’ is about.
- ‘Horn’ when you’re happy.
- ‘Horn’ to the beat when you’re playing music in your car.




Good luck, as you expeditiously navigate through Lagos and hustle and bustle!

M on: District 9... Epiphany

So I just finished watching District 9 and I must say, I'm rooting for this film to clinch a bucket full of awards. Neil Blomkamp & Terri Tatchell have succeeded in 100 minutes to create an avenue for soul searching.

Ignore the so called "slur against the Nigerian Nation" and look at the big picture that District 9 paints. Our prejudice against what is not like us. No matter where we are, refugees co exist among us. The Ghanians came and we said Ghana must go. So did the Liberians and see what we did to them. The "aliens" who came to us by no choice of theirs.

All beings created by the supreme one are the same even if they don't look like us. We all talk about Racism and Profiling. We speak against Xenophobia and all forms of prejudice but the thing is, the very core of the message district 9 sends, is that we are all guilty. In one way or the other we have failed our fellow man who by no choice of his own is forced to stay among us by doing something as easy as just turning the other way.

District 9 has opened my eyes to see what I never saw before all it takes is a split second for the wheels to turn and with that for those who still don't get the message of this my ramble,

Read Half of a Yellow Sun By and then watch District 9 again. Anyone of us could be Wikus Van de Merwe and what happens when we become the alien we persecuted........Selah

M 
of the Cerberus
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

MY On: The Project So Far

It started out as an exhibtion in celebretion of me being home for a year.  It has evolved into something much larger. here's a copy of the press release going out to media houses.....

Yaadein: Memories Of The Year Gone By is a celebration of photography, wine and cognacs from the 11th – 13th of December 2009 at the prestigious XO Winery & Stores located at 82 Raymond Njoku, in Ikoyi Lagos.  Yaadein will be the first photography exhibition to take place in a winery in Nigeria and this event will bring together individuals of fine taste and impeccable culture who will be hosted by Roger Chedid, A master wine and Cognac Connoisseur and his team.

To commemorate this Event, M.M.O Photography in collaboration with XO Winery has put together a collectors edition coffee table book. This publication will contain the exhibited images, Selected poetry as well as information on select exquisite wines and cognacs ranging from history, vintage, storage and serving temperatures, compatible meals and appetizers.

1500 copies of the photo book will be produced with 500 copies distributed at no cost to select hotels, restaurants, airport lounges, embassies and other upscale locations while 600 copies will be distributed for sale in time for the Christmas festive period via Silverbird Lifestyle, This day media stores, Farafina and Jazzhole. An additional 400 copies will be sold during the exhibition itself creating a location reach of 1000 locations.

MMO photography is the brainchild of Nigerian Born, Spanish Influenced photographer Mayii  .  While the book is a collectors edition keepsake, The exhibition is a must see and the pieces a must own for anyone with an eye for art.

Mas Besos

El Loco Hombre.

MY On: Lord Give me Strength

I sit down here in the dark listening to lounge music and sipping on some brandy.
I'm neck deep planning Yaadein. In case you don't know, that's my the theme title for the photo exhibition I had slated for early december this year.

I'm sitting in the dark listening to depressing Sade Adu and nursing my brandy simply because I need the Lord's strength to tread on. I'm currently looking to raise over 500,000 Naira from Ad sales spanning 4 full pages in the autographed catalogue.

I've been getting negative vibes about time frame, end of year, closed books and what not that alone can depress the s***t out of me but with friends like Freaksho and Pen & Paper encouraging me on as well as my blogville family, I know I can tread and trod on.

Blogville If you know any corporate or individual companies looking to place a full page Advert in my catalogue please let me know and do spread the word on my behalf.
I have just 4 pages ... Front Inner, Back inner and 2 inside pages.

Muchas Gracias.
MY
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

M on: Traffic Rant

It's been over an hour I've been in traffic.

Trapped and helpless, I feel claustrophobic.

My thoughts are constricted, and beginning to become spastic.

I equate this to my life's Journey
To my strive and search for life's honey.

Not with greed but simply out of need.

Most times my search seems futile.

My failed efforts enough to make others senile.

But I tread and trod on,
I'm God's son,
And for that reason alone,
The battle is won.

Aluta Continua, Victoria ascerta.

M

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

MY On: The Lady in the Black Dress haunts my thoughts

The Lady in the black dress and red pumps haunts my thoughts. Last time I saw her was at the party in my head….

“Dude pucker up and lets get kicking” my wingman Scribblemefree screams. It’s Thursday and there’s party that’s pundits like Bellanaija and the guys at Blogvillegist say is gonna be the best event on the Blogville calendar. I’m pumped up and good to go but we need to pick up Lowlah on the way and that drive isn’t something I’m looking forward to. Luckily, Freaksho is the designated driver tonight so I can still get into El Loco Hombre Mode.

Club Tweetville is packed and filled to the brim with beautiful people with Paparazzi and fashion police everywhere. VJ Seykuyinu is on the screens dropping some madass beats. There’s this dude trying to chat up Bumight and some chick taking photos on her BB and typing… That has to be Kpakpandostar. I see the Roc, Danny Bagucci, Dante, Chari with some hotties that look liked they popped out of the model section of vibe magazine up in the VIP and their table looks like it’s gonna fall under the load of Armand D’ it’s carrying.

Scribblemefree always the ladies man saunters off to join Funms d rebirth, LovePaprika, Jayla, Shona, Tigeress and Vera while Lowlah bounds off with Vic to chase some girls I’m sure. Freaksho is with the rest of the Two Tech Crew leaving me all alone. I guess it’s time for me to go grab my party starter… 3 straight shots of tequila and a small Heineken to chase it down.

As I head towards the bar, I spot her…. 5ft 7 black dress and red pumps sitting by the bar nursing a bottle of tequila, drawing on a cigarette and taking in the room. Maldita Sea!!! This gal is muy muy rubia. Tres sexy is an understatement for what I see in front of me and I now have a reason apart from a drink to her to that bar. The way she drew on her cigarette made me feel like inhaling the smoke coming from her lips would give me a rush even undiluted heroin will find it hard to compete with.

MY MY!!!, I turn as I hear my name, it’s Miss Natural, Rene, Smaragd and MsRayo. “Where have you been “ is their chorus and I begin to profusely make my excuses and be back on my way. The dude chatting up Bumight earlier joins us, turns out he’s Medianemesis and I use that opportunity to fade stopping to holler at Iamblogoratti.

Finally I get to the bar but she’s gone and as I try to get some information from the bar man, a chap next to me begins a Robbyscribbles for mayor tirade. “ I’m voting for Bubusn cos he’s Mr. #lightupnigeria so SHUT UP!!”. He leaves and I finally get to talk to the bartender. He said he didn’t know her name but from her accent she’s from Dxb. She comes around every weekend and manages to drink all the guys under the table and still be cool. Told me about this one time she drank with FBA and Doug and nobody ever heard from them again though the car was found hanging off a cliff.

“why not swing by tomorrow Mr MY I’m sure she’ll be here about 8 with Sirius.”

I head back to the party with a mind to come back here tomorrow but tonight, the lady in the black dress and red pumps haunts my thoughts


(* Like i said, it was at a party in my head. This post though imaginary, refers to someone real and she should know who she is... But the thing is you guess who. This should be interesting. )

Montones Besos
El Loco Hombre
MY

MY On: Again we apologise.

We owe the family a thousand apologies. Blaming it on twitter wont work 'cos I'm the only one on twitter and I've been absent there too. I've been so so busy planning an MY photo exhibition, trying to help O find the perfect business opportunity and M find a new Job. It aint easy being part of Cerberus but we try.

I've got an exhibition coming up mid November and selecting the pieces, getting them printed and publicity is driving me nuts especially because i want to exhibit just 8 pieces. What i can tell you now for certain is that the exhibition is going to be held at a Bodegas in Ikoyi in November but I'll keep the family posted.

On the other hand, if you wouldn't mind helping, pop along to www.mayii.shutterchance.com and choose 8 pieces you would pay 500$ for and email to me at mail2cerberus@gmrail.com.
muchas gracias in advance.

going on, my spanish has retarded to the point of practical inexistence supported once in a while by incoherrent babbling.. Okay it's not that bad but situation is critical.

Hope all is well it blogville. look out for my main post

With love
Your favourite Loco Hombre.
MY